rionaleonhart | Entries tagged with truly appalling jokes

On Saturday I went to the British Museum with

wolfy_writing! We'd known each other for almost a decade online, so it was strange and delightful to meet in person at last and realise she wasn't actually a 100x100-pixel LJ icon.

wolfy_writing has swum with sharks and sat on an elephant and stroked a cheetah and been startled by a Komodo dragon and ridden a lion (one of these things may not, strictly speaking, be true). She is fascinating company, and also understandably unimpressed by the UK's lack of deadly animals for her to hang out with. Still, we do have the seagulls of Brighton.

My favourite exhibit in the British Museum is an enormous detached arm from an ancient Egyptian pharaoh statue, its hand in a fist (someone's posted a photo on Flickr here). It is my favourite because you can watch all the visitors internally struggling with the urge to give it a fistbump. Some linger for a moment and then tear themselves away and move on. Some almost give it a fistbump, leaving a little space between their fist and the stone to avoid breaking the 'no touching' rule. Some quickly give it a fistbump and then turn away and try to look innocent. At one point two guys walked past, looked at it, and then gave each other a fistbump to dispel the tension.

I'm also fond of the Tring tiles, a set of cartoonish fourteenth-century English tiles that depict the young Jesus killing his classmates in various situations and then bringing them back to life. One tile has the description 'Parents shut their children in an oven to prevent them from playing with Jesus'.

Important conversations whilst hanging out the washing:

Rei: I haven't washed all of my socks. Why not, you ask?
Riona: Er, because some of your socks are clean? Because two of your socks are on your feet?
Rei: Both of those things are true. Excellently deduced.
Riona: Thanks.
Rei: Thank you, Shersock Holmes.
Riona: REI, GO AWAY.

Crossposts: http://rionaleonhart.livejournal.com/403607.html

I've now finished Assassin's Creed III! Every moment that Haytham and Connor spent together was the greatest moment of my life. I can't believe 'hey, how great would it be if those two interacted?' didn't even occur to me until we got actual interaction. But I'm glad it didn't, because it was such an excellent surprise!

I've tried to keep my Assassin's Creed entries away from 'better put this under a cut' levels of spoilers, because I'm not sure who would actually read the entries in that case (there aren't many Assassin's Creed players still reading this journal), but I've failed miserably on this one. Big, big spoilers for the entirety of Assassin's Creed III under the cut.

( Spoilery thoughts on Assassin's Creed III. )

The Assassin's Creed series frustrates me because there's a lot of fanfiction I'd like to write for it, but I know I'd get all the history horribly wrong. I hope I can find some way around that. I don't know exactly what I want to write about Haytham and Connor, but I know I want to write something.

Crossposts: http://rionaleonhart.livejournal.com/392810.html

The text message I sent to

th_esaurus early on in my holiday:

The colours in Greece are very bright and warm, like someone's turned up the saturation. On the downside, today I had literal ants in my literal pants.

The message I sent towards the end:

I'M IN ITHACA, FUCK YOU ODYSSEUS

So, yes, I've spent the past week in Greece! On the extremely beautiful island of Kefalonia, specifically. I could swear the shore nearest us was the shore from the opening video of Final Fantasy VIII. The waves breaking on the beach looked exactly the same. I never thought the sea could actually be that colour, but apparently it can!

Here is the traditional write-up of things that amused me during the holiday. Cast: Harriet (me), Mum (my mother), Dad (my father), Joseph and Fred (my two younger brothers), and Eleanor (Joseph's girlfriend).

( Family adventures in Greece! )

On our last full day of the holiday, we went to Ithaca by boat. I wanted to go to Ithaca solely to stick it to Odysseus (I think Odysseus is a great character but don't much like him as a person), but I actually got strangely emotional looking at the island from offshore, thinking about him seeing it again at last after all those years.

(And then Poseidon sent a storm to batter us. That guy is really weird about people going to Ithaca.)

Crossposts: http://rionaleonhart.livejournal.com/392141.html

I have now finished Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception! Spoilerless thoughts:

- I find it really endearing that Nathan Drake constantly talks to himself when he's in a dangerous situation on his own.

- I love the tweaks that have been made to the hand-to-hand combat system. In the previous games, I was constantly shooting; in this one, PUNCH EVERYONE ALL THE TIME. In addition to conserving ammo and preventing the enemy you've engaged from shooting you in the face: kind of hot! (Amazing fact: you can get a trophy called 'He's Gonna Need a Sturgeon' by knocking three people out with a fish.)

- The credits felt about as long as the game itself, bloody hell. On the plus side, they were absolutely gorgeous. (I've just looked up how long the credits are. They are fourteen minutes long.)

- What a fantastic game.

Spoilerful thoughts below the cut:

( Spoilers right up to the end of Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception. )

Has - has anyone written Nathan/Elena/Sully? Can't lie: I'd probably read that.

valderys very kindly offered me a ticket to yesterday's recording of The Unbelievable Truth! The panel were Lee Mack, Jack Dee, Rufus Hound and Graeme Garden; the host, as always, was David Mitchell.

The premise of the game, for those unfamiliar: each panellist delivers a short lecture on a given subject, which must be entirely false save for five pieces of true information. The other players must buzz in if they think they've spotted a true fact.

Below the cut is what I can remember of the recording!

(I've just realised that, despite all the Unbelievable Truth recordings I've been to, I've never told you the joke Mitchell always tells for the sound check! Here it is, as Mitchell tells it:

What's a ghost's favourite country? That's the question. And the answer, the humorous answer, is 'Fraaaaaaaance'. What makes it so funny is the ghostly way in which 'France' is pronounced.)

( The Unbelievable Truth recording, 11th December 2011. )

And that's all I can recall for now, I'm afraid; I hadn't been to a recording for about half a year, so my memory was a bit out of practice. Two episodes were recorded; the first will be broadcast on Boxing Day, the second probably three weeks after that.

Here is the writeup of our family holiday, during which we passed through places with names such as 'Waterley Bottom', 'Giggleswick' and 'Wigglesworth'! The cast are me, my mum, my dad and my two younger brothers, Joseph and Fred. In case you're not sure who 'Harriet' is: that's my real name, which I'm using in this writeup because my family don't call me Riona.

Signs we saw in various pubs:

'This may come as a surprise to you, but your fellow diners do not wish to hear about your colostomy.'

'Husbands and wives do not hold hands or grope each other in public. People having a bit on the side do. It is obvious, embarrassing and silly. Please control your hormones.'

'Should a hand reach up out of the toilet, you are advised not to shake it.'

( Professor McGonagall, where's your monocle? )

By the way, if you ever find a golf ball in a blackberry bush in the Lake District, it is ours. Well, sort of ours. Fred found it in a cluster of trees next to a golf course. I suppose it's technically stolen.

(If you missed them and you're interested, most of the limericks we composed on this holiday are in an entry over here.)

Well, my 'Torchwood: Miracle Day will contain an average of one explosion per episode' prediction was clearly a bit on the conservative side. How many explosions were there in the first episode, again? Three?

I'm quite gripped by the concept of Miracle Day, though! I'm interested in seeing where it goes. At the moment it seems to be at 'good Torchwood' level, but I'm always wary with Torchwood, because the quality level could veer wildly downwards at any moment.

Incidentally, when did Gwen Cooper become my favourite character?

Yesterday I went to see Astrology, Ahir Shah's first solo stand-up show! I enjoyed it very much and think that anyone going to the Edinburgh Fringe this August should check him out, although I should mention that my opinion may well be biased on account of three factors:

- he is a friend of my brother's,
- I have consequently met him a couple of times and he seems a thoroughly nice chap, and
- he mentioned a Bulbasaur halfway through his act.

Still, I'm confident that it's well worth watching even if those personal biases are set aside. I can assure you that his jokes are much better than those in the following exchange:

(Riona and Rei are in the back of yuffie_starfish's car. We pass a shop called 'Door World'.)
Riona: Ah, Door World. My very favourite theme park.
Yuffie: (to another inhabitant of the car) We are not lost.
Riona: It's easy to get lost in Door World.
Rei: Yeah. I hear some people just can't handle it.
(pause)
Riona: ...are you finished?
Rei: There's no call for s-knob-bery.
Riona: We need to stop distracting the driver; our safety hinges on it.
Rei: You're right; we're skirting dangerous territory here.
Riona: ...I'm not sure whether to give that one to you. (note: this is the one post-'handle' line that does not contain a pun; don't bother looking for one.)
Rei: Look, whatever you think, I was framed.
Riona: Stop grinning like an... alli... gate... or.
Rei: That one could have used some polish.
Riona: Screw you.
Rei: It was just a bit wooden.
Riona: I think it's plane that you're going to win this one. I'm glad we're not in front of a panel of judges.

I'll stop sharing terrible conversations when

reipan stops being a terrible person.

reipan and I went to see Glee Live! at the O₂ last night! We were seated in what I think is called the Upper Tier but should really be called 'oh my God help why are we in the sky', so we were extremely high up and the performers looked tiny, but it was great fun! And it all sounded fantastic. I really don't know why Glee bothers with autotune.

All the performers stayed in character throughout. I loved that, even though we were so vertically far away from the stage, it was always possible to pick Kurt out of a group performance just from the way he moved. His dancing was ridiculous and delightful, and he could never just walk across the stage; he always sort of skipped.

Kurt also had a short skit in which he referred to the Queen as 'Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth the sequel' and became very excited indeed about being in 'ENG~laaaand!', bless him.

There was rather a lot of screaming from the audience, which was a negative (and at times quite a painful) point. Still, I can't really claim to be particularly mature, given my ridiculous dancing to 'Raise Your Glass'. I RAISED MY INVISIBLE GLASS. I PUNCHED THE AIR ENTHUSIASTICALLY WITH THE HAND HOLDING MY INVISIBLE GLASS, IN FACT, WHICH WAS PROBABLY NOT MUCH GOOD FOR THE EQUALLY INVISIBLE CONTENTS OF SAID INVISIBLE GLASS.

Prior to the show itself, a large screen began displaying quotes followed by images of the Glee characters who said them. It was interesting to see which characters got cheered the most. The fandom's favourites appear to be Kurt, Santana, Puck and the back of Blaine's head.

Today, I watched X-Men: First Class for a second time with

reipan and my brother Joseph. I was a little afraid that upon watching it a second time I'd suddenly realise I didn't love it, but no; it may have its flaws, but I love this film. (And I 'ship Charles/Raven/Erik so much. Come on, fandom, let's have more of that.)

The post-film discussion somehow ended with me shouting 'I REFUSE TO WRITE FANFICTION IN WHICH MEWTWO IS THE LOVECHILD OF ERIK LENSHERR AND CHARLES XAVIER' at Rei in the middle of a restaurant.

(If, like me, you're not sure whether to spell Erik's surname 'Lensherr' or 'Lehnsherr' (both spellings have been used in different forms of X-Men canon), I noticed on this watching that it was 'Lensherr' in the subtitles. So I suppose that's the canon for the universe of this particular film? Oh, I don't know. I think I'm probably going to pointedly avoid mentioning his surname if I write any more fanfiction.)

Semi-relatedly: WHAT IS THIS VIDEO OF JAMES MCAVOY

WHY IS HE SO TERRIFYINGLY ATTRACTIVE TO ME

Family adventures:

Joseph: I've been juggling for people.
Riona's Father: Can you not manage five people?

I think my favourite part was how very pleased with himself my dad looked.

Also:

Joseph: ...I don't remember doing this. (holds up his donor card, on which is written, in red crayon, 'I LIKE BLOOD')

I almost didn't watch Saturday's episode of Doctor Who ('The Doctor's Wife'), because I was feeling so unwell, but I'm glad I did because it was amazing. I love Doctor Who, but it almost felt like an episode from a different, better show. And it focused on my absolute Doctor Who OTP, which was nice.

Also watched the Eurovision Song Contest with

reipan and a group of her friends. Weirdly, I felt quite a lot better by the end of it. Eurovision is the best medicine?

Afterwards, we switched over to live soft-porn phone-in television, as you do, and watched women jiggling their unclad bums in the air. We became quite concerned by the woman on one of the channels; she was rolling around on a bed whilst looking like the most bored person in the world, and we started wondering whether we should call in just so she could have a nice chat.

Riona: We could ask philosophical questions.
Rei: 'What is the meaning of life?' 'Is it really worth it? If you're alone at the end of the day...'
Riona: 'What's your favourite Pokémon?'
Helen: 'I like a Slowpoke.'
Riona: I hate you.

One of our party began reminiscing about SM:TV Live. Lea, who did not grow up with SM:TV and was probably confused by the context, assumed that SM:TV Live was live footage of couples engaging in S&M practices. It gave me terrible mental images of Ant and Dec.

I've also been watching more My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (the title confuses me a bit; 'is' should generally be capitalised in titles, because it's a verb, but when the title is displayed onscreen it clearly doesn't have a capital letter, so I suppose it's correct to write it lowercase for this specific series), and it is a joy of a cartoon. The 'Winter Wrap Up' song brings nostalgic tears to my eyes, which is odd because a week ago I'd never watched anything My Little Pony-related in my life.

Idly trying to sort the ponies into Hogwarts houses. Tentative assignations: Twilight Sparkle is a Ravenclaw. Fluttershy and Applejack are in Hufflepuff, although the latter is borderline Gryffindor. Rarity is a Slytherin. Rainbow Dash could fit into Gryffindor or Slytherin; she's definitely not a Hufflepuff, which is slightly odd because she's meant to represent loyalty. I don't really know what to do with Pinkie Pie; Hufflepuff, maybe?

I'm trying to settle on my favourite pony, but I can't. They're all so wonderful!

In more legitimate nostalgia news, I've now bought Pokémon White! But this entry is getting a bit long, so I'll post about it later. For now, suffice it to say that I'm enjoying it very much and, although rarely do I have a pure Normal-type on my main team, my Herdier is a fantastic scrapper who carried me through the first two gyms and I refuse to give her up.

Terrible Facebook Conversations (with

reipan):

Riona: Nobody's sung a Pokémon-themed Karma Chameleon parody? ('Charmer Charmeleon'?) Seems a little Farfetch'd, but maybe I'm Seaking it in the wrong places.
Riona: (I recently came through the door of my family home to be immediately accosted by my brother with 'What's a Bug Pokémon's favourite drug? Paras-etamol!' So, you know, he started it.)
Rei: Don't you try to Weedle your way out of this, Evans.
Riona: So sorry. Ekans-ay it'll never happen again.
Rei: Carry on like this and I'll have to make a Rapidash for the exit.
Riona: Ditto. Or I'll just end up having a Koffing fit.
Rei: I'm sorry, I know that one was awful. I'll stop, I promise. From now on, consider my lips Seeled.
Riona: Don't stop; you're the Star-yu are making some fabulous puns here.
Rei: Onix-ley, you do know how to flatter a girl. Complimentary without sounding sk-Eevee.
Riona: All right, 'Onix-ley' did sort of deserve an Exeggutor. Although of course what I mean is 'executioner'. I'll just have to Psy,duck and wait for the mockery to blow over.
Rei: Don't trouble your pretty head about it! You'll start crying, and nobody likes a Weepinbell-e. And there's no need to hide yourself away, either; I don't think anybody needs to end up Cloystered over this.
Riona: Thanks for not getting Krabby about it. (And sorry for being a Slowpoke in replying with such an obvious pun, oh dear.)
Rei: Oh, no worries. Or, as some might say, Kakuna Matata.
Riona: ‎...I can't compete with that.
Rei: Thanks. I feel sort of dirty now...
Riona: Well, at least you got some experience. (WAS THAT A SETUP FOR A MUK JOKE? IF SO, I AM GOING TO RUIN YOUR MUK JOKE BY ASKING WHETHER THAT WAS A SETUP FOR A MUK JOKE.)
Rei: (It actually wasn't, but it *could* have been. Thanks a Magneton.) Look, do we have to keep at this? I thought the conversation was evolving.
Riona: Absol-utely not, if you'd rather stop.
Rei: Well, I wouldn't want to deny your budding wits the chance to Bellossom.
Riona: No need to be Snivy; we can't all be naturals.
Rei: Raichu are. I'm sorry, perhaps that was harsh; punning can be kind of a Chansey hobby.
Riona: Thanks, but I suppose it's fair enough; I know that some of my humour is past its Celebi date.
Rei: Don't say that. I think you're doing Beautifly.
Riona: I ju-Spheal I'm a bit outclassed here. Knowing I have to keep up with you has me Gulpin nervously.
Rei: Ho-Oh, don't you think you're laying it on a bit thick here? Let's face it, in the punning stakes neither of us is exactly an Unown quantity. You're by no means Slow,bro.
Rei: ‎...alright, that last one was a bit Gastly.
Riona: The last one was my favourite! Budew still deserve applause for getting a (Dug)trio of puns in there, whatever the quality.
Rei: It's difficult to Furret out this many puns in the first place. I think we should both consider this a Victree,bel-ow the belt as some of these are.
Riona: Agreed! Maybe we should end this before we get caught in another Tangela the things.
Rei: I suppose. We've done well so far; we don't want to Jynx it.
Riona: And I imagine we're both getting a bit Drowzee. (All right, I really will shut my Meowth now. (...your comment was astute, because that was dreadful. Tempted to see whether I can come up with something even worse. I WENT ON TOO LONG AND ENDED UP MEANINGLESSLY MEWING; IF YOU DON'T WATCH OUT YOU'RE GOING TO MEWTWO.))
Rei: I'm not sure, I do find all this a bit Hypno-tic. But if you want to keep the onslaught of even worse puns at Bay,leef this thread alone from now on.

I'm sorry, but not nearly sorry enough.

(EDIT: My brother has shown me that I am in fact in the wrong. I am a fool, and I apologise to Professor Layton for casting aspersions on his puzzle expertise.)

DEAR PROFESSOR LAYTON:

NO. AN ANALOGUE CLOCK'S HOUR AND MINUTE HANDS DO NOT PASS OVER EACH OTHER TEN TIMES BETWEEN TWELVE NOON AND TWELVE MIDNIGHT; THEY PASS OVER EACH OTHER ELEVEN TIMES. YOU SAY 'THEY START AND END ON TOP OF EACH OTHER SO TWO OF THE TWELVE HOURS DON'T COUNT', BUT TWELVE TO TWELVE INCLUSIVE IS THIRTEEN HOURS.

YOU ARE A TERRIBLE PUZZLE EXPERT AND I WANT MY PICARATS BACK.

I'm enraged by this silly puzzle in a silly DS game to such an extent that it's actually sort of hilarious. Seriously, though, if you're going to make a game based entirely on puzzles, you really do need to make sure that all the puzzles are correct.

(The American version of Professor Layton and the Curious Village has a different puzzle featuring a digital clock, apparently. I HOPE IT IS A LESS RAGE-INDUCING ONE.)

It's a good game! I am just smarting at the injustice of it all.

(And then I stumbled across this wonderfully silly piece of dialogue and I forgave everything:

Stallholder: You want to take some sausages home with you? These are some links you don't want to be missing!
Layton: No, thank you.
Stallholder: Too bad! Not to bust your 'chops' or anything, but the deal was a one-time offer! Maybe you would've said yes if you'd known what was at 'steak'! Har har har har!
Layton: I think we're done here, Luke.
Luke: I couldn't agree more, Professor.)

A couple of nights ago, I dreamt that Jimmy Carr was almost run over by a car.

In the ocean. The ship he had been in with Charlie Brooker, David Mitchell and Richard Hammond had sunk, and they were all treading water, and the car came CHARGING TOWARDS HIM OVER THE WAVES.

Hammond managed to barrel it out of the way before it hit him.

I'm just posting this because I'm amused by the Carr-car thing.

Well, this was inevitable.

Title: No Regrets, Just Luvdisc
Fandom: Glee/Pokémon
Rating: PG
Pairing: Kurt/Blaine preslash. (Er, that's Glee Blaine, not Pokémon Blaine.)
Wordcount: 4,000
Summary: Inexcusable crossover AU based entirely on the fact that the Cinnabar Island Gym Leader is named Blaine. Kurt, Rachel, Mercedes and Quinn come to Cinnabar Island to participate in a Pokémon contest.
Notes: I'm really sorry about the title. Also, this is my first Glee fic (and Blaine has only been in two episodes so far), so I may be on slightly unsteady ground with the characters. I hope it's worked, and I hope you enjoy it!

( No Regrets, Just Luvdisc )

Up to the tenth episode of Glee, 'Ballad', and oh, my goodness, Kurt's crush on Finn is so endearing. And, awww, Finn is awkward and uncomfortable but still making an effort to be friendly! Finn can be an idiot, but he's such a good person at heart.

Also endearing: the way that, although there are obviously rivalries and conflict, the members of the club ultimately love and support each other. I'd love to see more of the friendship between Kurt and Rachel in particular, because I find it incredibly charming when Kurt hugs her or leans on her in the background, but their relationship hasn't really been explored in dialogue.

(Ahahaha, Rachel/Schuester! It's sort of hilarious when you find yourself sort of 'shipping something and think 'that's ridiculous, how can I even see this, obviously it'll never happen' and then along comes canon. Poor Mr Schuester.)

Finn having dinner with Quinn's parents hit my embarrassment squick harder than Peep Show does, though. Ouch.

It was my brother Joseph's birthday yesterday! I spent most of the afternoon hanging out with him and his friends, all of whom I like very much.

A couple of exchanges:

(Joseph's girlfriend is pulling the ears off a piece of dried grass)
Joseph: Nooo, you're stripping my hay! I need that hay!
Riona: Joseph, Joseph, can you please say 'this is the last straw'?
Joseph: ...no.

Leo: What's that game James Bond always plays in casinos?
Joseph: Blackjack? Poker?
Riona: Go Fish.
Rob: Snap.
Leo: What if he played Monopoly? (Bond voice) 'I'll be the top hat.' (stereotypical villainous accent) 'I shall be ze iron.'
Joseph: 'Oh, dear, Mr Bond, you seem to have landed on one of my... hotels.' It would be terrible.
Leo: Better than Snakes and Ladders. 'Oh, dear, Mr Bond, all the way down to the bottom!'
Joseph: At least with Monopoly he could go out in the middle to kill a henchman and then say something like 'I had to monopolise his time'.
Leo: What he should do is play something with a really childish name. Like Boggle.
Joseph: Jenga!
Leo: Hungry Hungry Hippos.

If I knew a person with the surname 'Dayter', and if this Dayter were planning to go out for a meal with someone, and if I happened to be informing another party of this, I could express it in the terms 'Dayter's gonna date'.

But I don't, and Dayter isn't, and I'm not, so I can't.

In unrelated news, Glee is such fun! It's not a great work of televisual fiction, but it doesn't try to be, so I don't hold that against it. Watching an episode is like eating a packet of chocolate buttons; it's not especially nutritious or filling, but you certainly enjoy it whilst you're doing it.

Thus far, I have metaphorically eaten six metaphorical packets of metaphorical chocolate buttons, and they have been delicious. I find myself really liking Will/Emma, which is odd, because usually I shy away from pairings that the canon is obviously trying to make me 'ship. I'd have expected the contrary beast within me to go 'YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO; I'M 'SHIPPING WILL/RACHEL'. ~~Which I also do.~~

(I seem to be in quite a hetshipping phase at the moment, don't I? Will/Emma, Will/Rachel, Mitchell/Hawes, Jane/Coren, Jane/Van Pelt. Although I suppose the Jane pairings are cheating, given that I 'ship him with everyone.)

Still not experiencing any desire to get involved in the Glee fandom, though. I hope that doesn't change; I think I'd actually feel sort of guilty if I abandoned all my barely-written-for fandoms for one that already has thousands of writers. (Actually, with a cast that seems to be consciously composed almost entirely of stereotypes, I'm having trouble imagining how I would even go about writing for it. These aren't characters! I can't be invested in them!)

I am massively enjoying the musical numbers. A particular favourite is the drug-enhanced performance of the It's My Life/Confessions mashup, only in part because Finn's facial expressions are hilarious.

I've never been a tennis fan, but I found myself strangely fascinated by the match between John Isner and Nicolas Mahut over the past couple of days. For those unaware: to win the fifth set, one player needs to be two full games ahead. In the case of Isner and Mahut, this didn't happen. It didn't happen for eleven hours. They played and played and played. On Wednesday, the match was suspended due to failing light levels at 59-59. On Thursday, I watched in increasing disbelief and cheered every time the score was equalised again, but eventually Isner won at 70-68. This one set went on longer than any full match of tennis ever played. You could have watched the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy in the time they were playing.

(When the set finally, finally finished, there was a little unexpected ceremony and the players and umpire all got presents. I thought that was rather sweet. Also, the audience cheered Mahut far more than they did the actual winner of the match, which was an extremely British thing to do. We do love a person who fights and fights and then loses anyway.)

So, anyway, now some part of me wants Mahut/Isner fanfiction. Hour after hour playing against each other, and eventually a sort of bizarre, exhaustion-induced Stockholm Syndrome sets in. Does either of them really want it to end?

...I'm a bad person.

(The Guardian live blog for the first day of Groundhog Set is hilarious (start from the last paragraph of the 3.45 entry). My favourite part:

The scoreboard is barely visible through the grass and weeds and trails of Spanish moss. It shows that John Isner and Nicolas Mahut are locked at 37 games each in the final set.

I'm wondering if maybe an angel will come and set them free. Is this too much to ask? Just one slender angel, with white wings and a wise smile, to tell them that's it's all right, they have suffered enough and that they are now being recalled. The angel could hug them and kiss their brows and invite them to lay their rackets gently on the grass. And then they could all ascend to heaven together. John Isner, Nicolas Mahut and the kind angel that saved them.

Also, I enjoy the fact that the highest-rated comment by far on the next day's blog is this:

I take Mahut off to them both. Just because it's been a ridiculous match of tennis, Isner reason for puns ay?)

Did I really just make an entire entry about tennis? How unusual.

Today, I find out what class degree I have.

I'm really scared.

Hello! I don't imagine anyone was fretting hugely, but I have been absent from the Internet for the past week, and I'd like to apologise in case the lack of updates was, for some reason, making you weep and tear out your hair. I was in Brighton, sorting out As Yet Internetless New House Things, but now I am back in London for the holidays!

(If you've posted anything since Sunday that you think I should see or would appreciate, please feel free to point me in its direction, because I don't think I'll be able to catch up on everything I've missed.)

I owe

ladybella so many thanks, because Pokémon Gold played a large part in keeping me from going completely mad from Internet-deprivation. (Why have I never trained a Geodude before? Geodude are amazing.)

The other thing that helped maintain my sanity, for which I have

moogle62 to thank, was Neil Gaiman's Neverwhere, and now I am going to talk about it.

My edition of Neverwhere could have done with a better editor - the paragraphing errors are many and consistent - but I enjoyed it in a way in which I haven't enjoyed a book in a very long time. With both a full-time course and an occasional job that require reading, I haven't read many novels for pleasure in the past few years, and Neverwhere reminded me of what it is to love a book: being absorbed into the world, seeing events in one's head, caring about the fates of characters, having favourites, staying up too late at night to find out what happens next. I wept a bit when I finished the book, because I didn't want to leave London Below, and I can't begin reading anything else right now, because I need time to think about and talk about and generally digest Neverwhere. It was an absolutely delightful experience, and it reawakened something within me that I was afraid might have died years ago.

My journeys on the Tube are probably going to be much more enjoyable now that I have read it.

The Marquis de Carabas reminds me at points of Derren Brown, which probably isn't supposed to happen (I may already have a couple of Derren-in-London-Below snippets written, oh dear), and I sort of adore Mr Croup, which definitely isn't supposed to happen (I have a bit of a weakness for characters who take pleasure in using language, whether they're horrible murderers or not), and the whole subterranean world Gaiman has built up is absolutely fascinating. And it requires crossovers. It demands them.

(Is there much of a Neverwhere fandom? There really, really should be.)

The novel leaves many things unresolved; I won't be specific about them here, for fear of spoiling anyone, but, as a fan and a fanfiction writer, I appreciate that. It's good to have a writer present you with a world that not only doesn't lock you out when the canon is finished, but actively invites you in. That's something I liked about Avatar as well, and it's why I'm uncomfortable with Rowling telling us everything that happened to the characters of the Harry Potter series after the events of the final book. It's our world as well, Mrs Rowling! Leave some loose ends for us!

For those who haven't read Neverwhere, here is a terrible Death Note pun with which I came up whilst I was in Brighton (highlight the punchline to read):

Why is Light so behind on women's fashion?
Because he can't always read
Elle.

The moral of this story: don't deprive me of the Internet, because some truly horrific things may be born out of my efforts to amuse myself. (The other moral is 'read Neverwhere, because otherwise this entry can offer you only horrible puns'.)

Ladies and gentlemen, the worst pun I have ever made:

(RIONA and housemate RACHAEL are cleaning out the refrigerator, in preparation for moving house.)
Riona: We appear to have some freak grapes in here. They expired on the twenty-second of May, and yet they still look fresh and green.
Rachael: Oh, really? And I bought that pack from SPAR last week, and they had mould growing on them the next day.
Riona: They must have been a pack of Dorian grapes.

I'm sorry, but not nearly as sorry as I should be.

In other news:

- I love Sweden/Finland, but it simultaneously makes me a bit sad. Don't be so afraid of Sweden, Finland! Sweden is a sweetheart! I'll take him off your hands if you don't want him.

(HERE ARE SOME SWEDEN/FINLAND STRIPS (read the panels from right to left): warm now?, have you met my wife?, SWEDEN HOW ARE YOU SO ADORABLE (from the Polish-Swedish wars), NO SERIOUSLY HOW (can't find the translator for this one), watch what you say around someone so determined to attend to your needs (1, 2, from the battle for America).

I love that the Hetalia fandom have agreed on the styles in which to translate characters like Sweden and Poland. Poland's valley-girl speak brings joy to my heart.)

- I, er, appear to have applied for Germany/Italy at

1sentence. Whoops. (I'm not quite sure how I feel about Germany/Italy. I adore their relationship, but it has to remain quite innocent, because after a certain point my mind starts going 'HANG ON, THEY CAN'T DO THAT, ITALY IS MENTALLY ABOUT TEN'. These sentences are entirely rated G.) In writing the sentences, I have discovered that I am completely incapable of adopting Italy's perspective. I seem to get on quite well with Germany's, though, and as I love Germany to bits I think this is a good thing.

- You should all also make claims at

1sentence, incidentally.

- New Torchwood tonight, and, whilst I swore during the last series that I was going to stop watching this dreadful thing, we all knew I was lying. Let's have a little more fun and a little less senseless depression this time, all right, Torchwood? (And a little more Rhys.) Also: dear self, if this mini-series is as terrible as the series that preceded it, please stop watching.

- I hope that Hetalia introduces a Wales before long. The Torchwood crossovers would be many and ridiculous.

- Speaking of ridiculous Hetalia crossovers: I think the Top Gear team would be delighted to have the physical incarnation of England as the Star in a Reasonably-Priced Car. (I haven't been posting about the new series of Top Gear, have I? I am enjoying it very much.)

- And surely someone must have written fanfiction in which the Winchesters encounter America. Surely.

- I want to go home! My academic year finished almost a month ago! PLEASE STOP BEING SO COMPLICATED, UNIVERSITY HOUSING SITUATION; I JUST WANT TO SEE MY FAMILY.

I went to Waterstone's a couple of days ago, and they had a three-for-two offer on all books. I bought the first two volumes of Death Note (the anime follows them almost exactly, so I don't have much to say, but I enjoyed reading them very much and I love the art), and then, because they didn't have the next, picked up the fourth volume of Fullmetal Alchemist. It had been years since I'd watched the anime or read the first three volumes, but it began to come back to me as I read.

And then I ended up shaking and crying.

I hadn't realised it was that volume.

Also, I love Ed, and I love Al, and Roy and Hughes and Riza, and, whilst I don't think I really paid much attention to Winry when I was passing through my Fullmetal Alchemist phase three years ago, I have now realised that she is actually pretty awesome. I am sorry for not noticing you before, Winry!

What I do remember about Winry is my fear that she would become a romantic interest for Ed, and, although she is pretty great, I am still not entirely amenable to the idea. Fullmetal Alchemist gives me a bit of conflict when it comes to 'shipping. There is a part of me that wants to 'ship Roy/Hughes, but I can't, because Hughes would never, never, never betray his wife. Never. I wouldn't want him to. And I can't just write her out, because without his family Hughes isn't Hughes. Meanwhile, I can't 'ship Ed and Al with anyone but each other, because they are too close, and I can't 'ship them with each other, because they are too close, and essentially Fullmetal Alchemist ties me into many knots and leaves me unable to 'ship anything. Not that this is a problem (apart from the fact that I really would like to 'ship Roy/Hughes if I could); it is just slightly unusual. (Riza/Roy definitely has the potential to sneak into my heart if the characters interact in the right ways, though.)

THAT'S RIGHT: AS IF I HAVE NOT PICKED UP ENOUGH NEW FANDOMS RECENTLY, I AM REDISCOVERING MY OLD ONES. Actually, I appear to be rediscovering the entire genre of anime and manga. It is a lot of fun!

...I was just searching for something Death Note-related, and I stumbled across the following joke:

Why does Light Yagami like Christmas?

Because there's Noel.

I laughed a quite embarrassing amount.

HERE ARE SOME AMAZING THINGS:

- I have just discovered a song about Derren Brown, played on the ukulele, on YouTube. Glee!

- Here is a wonderful Sherlock Holmes fanvid, set to 'Read My Mind' by the Killers. It makes me want to sit down and watch the whole of the Adventures of Sherlock Holmes. Oh, Jeremy Brett, you were the perfect Holmes. Look at him leaping around and waving his arms!

-

x_los made an entry from which I learnt that the Fourth Doctor once, upon escaping from a yoke by thrusting it at the guards who had captured him, said, 'I suppose you could say "the yoke's on him", if you were the sort of person who said that sort of thing, which fortunately I'm not.'

I have never even watched the Fourth Doctor, and this reported line alone has brought him very close to being my favourite incarnation.

- Yesterday, my brothers had a terrible pun war. Terrible jokes are some of my favourite things in the world. The theme of the day, apparently, was 'monkeys'.

Here are some of the jokes that came up:

J: Why did the monkey go out in the sun? He wanted to get an orangu-TAN.

F: What do most monkeys become when they grow up? A CHIMP-ney sweep.

J: Why did the monkey get sent to Hogwarts?
F: To learn magic?
J: Because it was a Howler.

F: What animal in the jungle do you use to get into your house?
J: A monkey.
F: What currency do they use in the jungle?
J: Monkeys?
F: ...yes.
J: Why was six afraid of the monkey?

I did warn you that they were terrible.

The younger of my brothers, F, was extremely secretive about the punchline of one of his jokes, on account of its being 'too good' and his fear that it would be stolen; he whispered it to the others at the table, but refused to tell it to me. I eventually learnt it about an hour later, and I think the resulting uncontrollable laughter was largely due to the great air of mystery about it and the amount of time I had spent musing on what the punchline could possibly be.

The question:
What is a monkey's favourite cereal?
The answer (blacked out: highlight to read; for full effect, you should probably consider it for a while before actually highlighting):

Rice monkeys.

I could not stop laughing. I'm laughing again just thinking about it.

Please feel free to share your favourite terrible jokes in the comments, monkey-themed or otherwise!

I really have come to like Ashes to Ashes rather a lot over the past few weeks. It's certainly more unashamedly fun than Life on Mars, and Alex's initially-grating insanity has gradually become really rather endearing. I AM SORRY FOR DISLIKING YOU AT FIRST, ALEX. I WANT ONLY GOOD THINGS FOR YOU NOW. No, hang on, possibly Gene doesn't actually count as a good thing. MOSTLY GOOD THINGS. MOSTLY GOOD THINGS, ALEX.

Speaking of giant mechanical spiders, did I mention that 'A Very Supernatural Christmas' means that I now feel as if my heart is going to burst out of my chest with love whenever I see Dean wearing his amulet? As he wears it all the time - seriously, this isn't even an exaggeration, which is half the reason for my uncontrollable love - this means that I am fairly likely to actually fall unconscious from too much Winchester-adoration before long.

Two days ago, my brother threw salt in my face and shouted 'Back, you demon!' I wish my siblings shared my fandoms more often! (Hang on, that makes it sound as if I like having salt thrown in my face. I, er, am not a particular fan of being - oh, dear, there's an opportunity for a truly horrendous pun here and I'm not sure I can resist - as-sa(u)lt-ed (I'm so sorry). I just love it when people around me are fannish.)

I feel that an entry about Ashes to Ashes and Supernatural should really end with an attempt to cross them over in some way (THESE ARE THE RULES OF RIONA'S LIVEJOURNAL), but in all honesty I'm not sure sending the Winchesters back to 1981 would make any difference whatsoever. I suppose Sam would be quite annoyed not to have his laptop, and some (certainly not much) of Dean's music wouldn't be around, but that's about it.

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Entries tagged with truly appalling jokes

If There's Room In The Heart, There's Room In The Butt.

I Can't Believe George Washington Betrayed Me.

As Soon As Dawn Appeared, Fresh And Rosy-Fingered.

Something Better.

David Mitchell, Incidentally, Had A Beard. It Was Disconcerting.

Why Are Pirates Pirates? Because They Arrr.

I'm Really Not Sorry At Awl.

Do I Want To Make Out In General, Or With You?

It's Like Kissing, Only There's A Winner.

Too Much Weedle Do That To You.

Like A Water Balloon Filled With Rage.

Fanfiction: No Regrets, Just Luvdisc (Glee/Pokémon)

He Disagreed With Something That Ate Him.

These Are My Confessions.

Bizarrely, There Is Also Tennis Taking Place On The Other Courts.

Reopening A Long-Closed Door.

'I'll Be In Germany Next Year' Has Entirely Changed Its Meaning.

Return To Resembool.

Banana You Glad I Didn't Say Orange?

Oh, It Hasn't Happened Yet.

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