So I've been missing for the past week! This is not because of the riots, but because my family and I have been touring the north-west of England. It was a holiday somewhat blighted by poor weather and ill health (I write to you whilst feeling as if I swallowed a cheese grater at every town we visited), but it was still good fun.

The cast of this entry: me, my mum, my dad and my two younger brothers, Joseph and Fred.


A lovely friend of Fred's agreed to feed our two cats in our absence despite being allergic to cats. Dad left a note telling him where to find the cat food. I left a note warning him that one of the cats had a habit of trying to eat the other's meals. Fred left a note that, well...

Hey [friend], whats up?! Sometimes the cats need you to rub their fur in your eyes so they feel comfortable eating around you. THANKS!

He also left a note on the staircase: WHY are you going upstairs?!! >:(


I don't feel well enough for a full writeup of our adventures just yet, so this entry is dedicated to the terrible limericks we created in the car.



We spent a long time in the car, and one of the ways we passed the time was by composing limericks, one line per person. Our first attempt at this was not terribly successful:

Fred: There once was a man from Peru
Joseph: Who had a large hole in his shoe.
Mum: While walking through water
Riona: He thought that he'd oughta
Dad: Make sure that he'd not done a poo.

Dad's alternative suggestion was even worse: 'Wait, we can do better. Er... "mend the large hole in his shoe".' Eventually, Joseph was able to salvage it with 'knock a hole in the other one too'.


Also troublesome were Mum's attempts at a first line, because she kept going for names that were incredibly difficult to rhyme. When Joseph protested against 'There once was a clown, name of Timmy':

Mum: Fine, I'll change it. 'There once was a clown, name of Robert.'
Joseph: What is wrong with you?

Eventually, the limerick came out like this:

There once was a clown, name of Blobby
Because Mum is massively knobby.
He was covered in spots
And he liked to rob cots.
'Wait,' said Mum, 'I'll name him Robbie!'


For a later limerick, beginning 'There once was a man from Brazil', Joseph contributed the second line 'who felt exceedingly ill'. The next attempt began like this:

Joseph: There was a young Jedi named Luke
Fred: Who felt exceedingly puke.

The final product:

There was a young Jedi named Luke
Who really deserved a rebuke.
He went very far
To blow up the Death Star;
Turns out that he needed a nuke.


A beautiful work of minimalist art composed when a spider was discovered in the car:

Riona: There once was a spider on Joe.
Joseph: No no no no no no no no.
No no no no no no
No no no no no no
No no no no no no no no.


Other limericks:

There was a young dancer named Tom
Who pirouetted to and from.
He tripped on his laces
Fell all sorts of places
And dropped his hydrogen bomb.

There was a young man known as Fred
Who had something wrong with his head.
When he opened his mouth
Conversation went south
And so he got locked in the shed.

A porn star who enjoyed bukkake
Did a film with her favourite lackey.
She was dressed all in white
And it was quite a sight
Though it did make her feel a bit tacky.

There once was a tree from Kenton
Who, in a bizarre twist, during a football match was sent on.
He scored the winner
Got treated to dinner
And, after the match, his life went on. (pause) As a tree.

There was also one that prompted my mother to say, literally days later, 'Hang on: "ceiling" doesn't rhyme with "Venus"!'



I'll try to get a proper writeup done over the next couple of days. I hope you're all well, and that the riots didn't impact too heavily on you!