I've now finished AI: The Somnium Files. I think it could fairly be described as 'an experience'. Below are notes I made at assorted points in this game.

For a second time, Date's eyeball got him to move to where she wanted him by going 'there's a porno magazine over there!', and he ran over at incredible speed and then went 'hey, where'd the porn go?'

Meanwhile, the best character, a twelve-year-old girl, beat up a bunch of thugs with her 'favourite metal pipe'.

In a later action sequence, actual porn magazines appeared! I blew up a porn magazine vending machine so the magazines would distract my enemies.

Date also took one of the magazines, naturally, but in the next shootout he had to throw it to act as a lure. He cried.

What I'm saying is that every action sequence in this game involves porn magazines in some capacity.

Ginger: Aiba must have to watch Date wank.
Riona: Maybe he's got a wanking eyepatch.

Possibly the most bewildering development in a very bewildering game: I WENT INTO SOMEONE'S DREAM AND SHE WAS DREAMING ABOUT LET'S PLAYING MINECRAFT AND I HAD TO PLAY MINECRAFT TO PROGRESS.

WHAT IS THIS GAME



Mizuki is, as mentioned, the best, and the parts of the game where she's accompanying Date on his investigation are by far my favourite. I love their weird antagonistic relationship, and how Date's kind of a terrible parental figure while somehow being a better parent to her than either of her actual parents.

I've been entertained by Date throughout, but the first point at which I actually liked him was the flashback of Date calling out Mizuki's parents for being awful to her, followed by the reveal that, although Date previously said that Renju asked him to take Mizuki into his care, it was actually Date's decision to take her off their hands. We were pretty much cheering at the screen when Date said, 'You're both awful parents.'

Date's not a good parent, but I was glad to realise that he really does care about Mizuki.

Mizuki trying to have stupid arguments with Date in her own head when Date's unconscious is very cute and very sad.

The 'Iris's frozen body was seen in Mizuki's dream and then discovered AND NOW SHE'S ALIVE AGAIN' plotline is extremely weird and confusing, which is, of course, exactly what I signed up for. Iris's right eye was taken out; did she fall victim to the original Cyclops Killer? But then how is she here now? Did Iris have... an identical twin... who was six years older than her? Is Iris an AI replica of a person who was killed? She has an eye-related name, after all, and she seems to know a bit about AI technology! (Note from later on: this theory was incorrect but would absolutely have fit in the game.)

Current theory, after Hitomi's backstory: Date is physically So Sejima's son, but he swapped bodies with #89 six years ago, so mentally he's the original Cyclops Killer. (Note from later on: called it! Well, called some of it. Actually, sort of got it entirely the wrong way around; physically he's the original Cyclops Killer. But I correctly guessed whose body he was in!)

Saito-in-Boss's-body and Date-in-Saito's-body definitely need to bang.

The ending scene was the best possible way to end this game. I want every game I play to end with the entire cast doing a choreographed dance routine. But especially Final Fantasy XIII.



Rei's girlfriend watched me play the entire game, from start to finish: all thirty hours of it. 'Thank you for coming with me on this journey,' I said to her afterwards. 'Thank you for being my left eye, without whom I would have no evidence that this ever happened at all.'